ORATIO PRO CURREPTIUNE VITÆ. FLENDA SEMPER PECCATA (Appendix XVIII)

Appendix XVIII. A Prayer for the Correction of Life. Sins Are Always to Be Lamented. God, author of all wondrous things, Father of mercies and of consolation, refreshment in tribulation, by whose grace a man, forestalled, considers his sins, laments them, and corrects them; by whose regard and gift he begins to do good, to avoid evil and reject it, to follow justice and to decline from iniquity, to desire eternal things and to shudder at perishing things, to confess your mercies and to deny his own impieties; because man has nothing of his own, but his conversion and progress are your gift; nor can anyone be corrected by himself, but by you; as the prophet says: "I know, Lord, that man's way is not his own, nor is it for a man to walk and direct his steps" (Jeremiah 10:23); and the Apostle says: "Not of the willing, nor of the running, but of the merciful God" (Romans 9:16); and you yourself say: "I will have mercy on whom I wish, and I will be merciful to him who pleases me" (Exodus 33:19).

Attend therefore to my supplications, heed my entreaty. And what I seek, accomplish propitiously, and attend to it with favor. For you have drawn me out of the snares of the world, and led me out of the net of sins. You have unsealed my mouth to confess to you, when I was bound by all sins; and you have made me understand how and for what I should beseech you. You have placed confidence in my heart to ask for the necessities of my soul, since (as the prophet said): Willing, you return to mercy, and you have mercy, forgetting the evils of men, and passing over the sins of the benign (Micah 7:18, 19); and you yourself said: Ask, and you shall receive; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opened to you (Matthew 7:7). For he who grants permission to be asked and knocked upon is without doubt prepared to give and to open; nor is he avaricious in bestowing, who cries out to those who have not to ask; and by this, he himself will later repent of need, who now neglects to obtain from the dispenser the fitting remedies for giving to himself. Therefore I cannot be silent, admonished by the touch of the supervening grace.

I confess, Lord, that your mercy has anticipated me, unworthy as I am, and while I lay in a deadly slumber, weighed down by the many sins of this mortal life upon my bed, you sent your grace with the clamor of scourges to rouse my damnable sluggishness, so that, awakened with open eyes, when I recognized in myself no profit of good works, I might come to you, seeking the nourishment of life, lest the approaching destitution suffocate me at the very end. Therefore, rising up to you with the cries of lamentations, with manifold prayer, I knock at the hearing of your mercy, and through the alphabet which I have sent ahead, I water each of its letters with a river of tears. For the fear of your judgment has compelled me to weep long, and your grace has emboldened me to entreat you trustingly, believing that in you, my God, I shall cross the wall of all my iniquities, which have surrounded me, and, pressed by the afflictions of my distress, I shall pass through to the breadth of the widest joy, namely not of this world, but of the future. For this reason, I shall not cease to entreat you until you take pity on me and save my soul, which confesses to you today, situated in the valley of weeping, because you have led me in; because not by my own merit, but by your gift, I have come to the cloister of the strictest penance, and I have entered the fountain of tears, about to wash away the various stains of wickedness, which, not yet at my asking, but at your granting, has been bestowed upon me, and by your mercy procuring it, while I was not yet seeking it, I found it.

Behold, now for no small time I labor in the heat of its affliction under the rule of its subdiscipline. I am daily examined in contention with it, and its pressure draws great groans from me, and it compels me more and more to weep because I have sinned, and it ever teaches me to render thanks to you for your great patience, by which you long endured my wantonness and preserved the time of correction, so that, having abandoned transgression, I might be converted, lest, incessantly pursuing sin, I should perish eternally with sin; and now, mercifully instructing me with your rod, you work for my salvation, withdrawing my life from corruption and my soul from destruction, that I might know to pass over the choice of good things in the face of iniquity. And trusting in this, I hope that just as you have brought the tribulations of penance, so also you will bestow the mercies of indulgence. Not only that, but I also bless your holy name, because you have delayed the event of death, lest I grow foolish in the torpor of sin toward eternal punishment; and you have come to my aid from afar, providing the remedy for my cure, in that you have handed over my soul, lacerated by a pestilent ulcer, to be healed by the medicaments of this penance. For its stimulation is good to me, which teaches me to flee past offenses and warns me to beware of future ones. I consider light the yoke of its burden, because it removes greater torments than it inflicts, and while it presses me temporally, it redeems me eternally.

The bonds of that discipline are dear to me, which now bind me in small measure, so that they may release me forever. Its external filth is pleasing to me, because by the roughness of that same filth the soul within is thoroughly cleansed. And its bitterness is now sweeter to me than the sweetness of a luxurious life in the past, because through that life the soul is suffocated, while through this one it rises again from such a death. What that life defiled, this one washes clean. What that life wounded, this one heals and cures. If I were to see a harmful wound externally on my body, or feel some internal pain in my organs, I would run at once to the physician, I would submit my flesh to the knife to be cut with pains, and to the burning cautery to be seared, and I would not refuse to drink the most bitter antidotes for the sake of restoring health. Why, then, should I bear these things with annoyance, through which the soul is restored from eternal ruin to perpetual salvation? What shall I render to you, most merciful God, lover of men and clearest justifier of sinners, for these things which you have granted to me? I will take the cup of salvation, I will invoke your name with praises for it; you have led my steps back to the path of life, I will not cease to give thanks to you. For this is the way by which one returns from the underworld to heaven, from sin to justice, from offense to your grace; and to sum up briefly, this is the repair of every ruin.

Finally, with the Publican praying in the temple, this surpasses the righteousness of the Pharisees; in this it renders one more just; this led Lazarus through temporal afflictions to eternal rest. To You, Lord, praise and glory, who strike and heal, wound and cure. You grant transitory pain, and after a little while refresh with eternal joy, because You are just and merciful: just, because You by no means spare the sinner; merciful, however, because You do not deny mercy to the penitent. Likewise, You are just and merciful, because You first correct a man from his sins, and afterwards free him from eternal punishment. For You do not spare the sinner, as I have said, while You either strike him with a temporal scourge for purification, or leave him to be punished by eternal judgment, or the man himself, by repenting, punishes within himself what he has wickedly committed, and accordingly it is that You are by no means said to spare the delinquent. For no sin can be left unpunished, since sins deserve punishment; but either man punishes it, and You free him; or if he delays, You punish, according to what the Apostle says: If we judged ourselves, we would certainly not be judged. As if to say: If in this world we discerned from sin, the future punishment of sin would not strike us.

It is necessary, therefore, for a man to purge his sin, lest he incur eternal punishment; for penance takes its name from punishment, as if it were “punishment,” since the man himself, by repenting, punishes what he has done wrong. For those who truly repent do nothing else but ensure that what they have done wrong does not remain unpunished. In that way, indeed, by not sparing themselves, You spare them, whose high and just judgment no one who despises it escapes. Moreover, perfect penance is to blot out past sins and to admit no future ones. This is according to the likeness of leaves, so that if, perhaps, with the devil attacking, some sin creeps in, it is cleansed by this satisfaction. Satisfaction, however, is to shut out the causes and suggestions of sins, and not to repeat the sin again. Penance itself is to be performed according to the quality of the offenses; for just as light sins are blotted out by secret prayer, so grave sins are remitted before the Church through penance and satisfaction.

Therefore, the satisfaction of penance is weighed by your judgment, not by human estimation, and the hidden mercy of your indulgence is concealed; it is necessary to weep without ceasing. Nor should the penitent ever have security regarding sin, for this is its enemy; it gives birth to negligence for him, and negligence often leads the careless back to past vices. But he ought to be as ready to repent as he was prone to sin, and to rise as much more sublimely through humility as he is known to have fallen lower through pride; and not only to lament the evil he did when he ought not, but also the good he did not do when he ought. For this matter is most cautious; it does not justify an idle worker; true penance is more anxiously troubled in every holy work. It has no laughter at all, it does not receive idle tales, nor is it troubled by desires and wanton deeds; it does not covet earthly things, it desires heavenly things, it thinks about its end, it always looks to the future judgment, and how the healed person may appear worthy to God—this it procures for itself daily; it serves only God, it is not involved in any worldly affairs.

In vigils and prayers it is most frequent, in fasts exercised, in food and drink moderate, in labor and reading assiduous, in charity perpetual, in chastity perpetual, in speech most truthful, in swearing restrained, it is kind and patient, envy does not inflame it, anger does not overcome it, it shuns boasting, loves humility, does not repay insult, hates avarice, flees vainglory, detests pride, rejects joys, embraces groans, sighs, and tribulations, knowing that your mercy is not granted to the negligent nor to the laughing, but is given to the afflicted and the contrite of heart, as you yourself say: "Blessed are those who mourn, for they themselves will be consoled" (Matthew 5:5). And again: "Woe to you who now laugh, for you will mourn and weep" (James 4:9, 10). And the Apostle: "Be miserable," he says, "and mourn, and weep; your laughter will be turned into lamentation, and joy into grief. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

It is certainly certain that every fault is dissolved by weeping, if the depravity of habits is renewed and past malice is not repeated. For it is not enough to depart from evil, unless one also proceeds to do good, as it is written: "Decline from evil, and do good" (Psalm 36:27). And elsewhere: "Cease to act perversely, learn to do good" (Isaiah 1:16); so that satisfaction for sin, opposed by penitence, and at the same time past malice, covered and enveloped by succeeding goodness, perishes, and, found lesser, is mortified. Therefore, because through the satisfaction of weeping the fallen soul is raised again, and by such a washing it receives the dignity of its former purity, it is expedient for me to increase my weeping and to make my tears frequent over my repeatedly committed iniquities, which I have practiced countless times. For I do not think that having wept is sufficient for me, given the abundance of my sins; I will lament my sins still assiduously in bitterness, if perhaps it pleases you to cleanse me utterly from them. Would that the fluids of my head were turned into blood, and that I poured forth blood instead of tears; so that I might wipe away my cruel sins with cruel lamentations, with which I once wickedly wounded myself through idle foolishness.

My soul, overwhelmed by immense weariness, is cast down, and it has withered, terrified by the dread of your fury. My life has turned into the juice of wormwood, my entrails overflow with gall and vinegar, my heart is corrupted by deep sorrows, sigh follows upon sigh, and groan rushes upon groan. Bent and humbled to the ground by the fear of future punishments and the present affliction of scourges, I cannot lift my head, weighed down by a manifold burden. Death stands before my eyes, and so do my immense crimes; and there is nothing from which redemption might come. Ineffably disturbed by this, I have neither guidance nor counsel; the anguish of oppression leads me to the point of despair, and, as if standing on a spider’s thread, the state of my mind wavers, ready to collapse, at times fearing, because of the enormity of my faults, that you will not forgive the guilty, at times trusting, because of the gentleness of your mercies, that you have decided to set free; and between hope and fear there is no small agitation in my heart, for if you wish to destroy, justice incites you, but if you wish to save, mercy invites you; and although present scourges absolve the converted from sins, my mind nevertheless wavers, lest my punishments not suffice to purge all my offenses; and the subtlety of your wisdom inflicts penalties externally just as it perceives faults internally.

But who can be at peace regarding your judgment, when before the strictness of your examination even righteousness is not secure? If even an idle word must be accounted for, how shall I be secure, who have committed principal evils? There is no security at all in my mind from the face of your judgment, nor peace in my conscience from the sight of my sins. Therefore my contrition is great, like the sea, because my wound is most grievous. I seek a harbor of escape, and I find no way at all to withdraw from the snare of Satan's deception; he has ensnared my feet, and I prevail in no way. I cry out, overcome by a multitude of sorrows, and there is no one to rescue me. I labor in grief and groan, shackled, and abandoned in the narrowness of a prison, and there is no one to console me. Woe is me! O wretched and unhappy me! whom the most just punishments terrify, whom worthy vengeances shatter, whom scourges and reproaches rightly strike, whom various afflictions of miseries opportunely ravage, because I have wickedly sinned, I have cruelly transgressed, I have vehemently erred, I have fallen mightily! Woe to me, who have stained myself with such great evils, defiled myself with such great wickedness, who did not know how to avoid, nor to taste the poison of the devil's cup, which has killed my soul!

And now I would not need to be revived again, I who did not guard myself with the utmost care so as not to be pierced through by his spears, and would now be without a wound, not seeking medicine; I who did not understand to flee and not be entangled in his snares, so as to be free now, and not cry out for release. Unhappy man that I am, who will free me from so many bonds and from the peril of this death, if not your grace, Almighty Father, through Jesus Christ our Lord, whom you have placed as redemption for the salvation of the world; and in whose justice and sanctification all iniquity is blotted out, and the dominion of death is abolished? He is (as the prophet says) the rock, a refuge for the hedgehog (Psalm 103:18), that is, a shelter for the salvation of the sinner, of whom John also says: If anyone has sinned, we have an advocate before the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous, and he is the propitiation for our sins, not only for ours, but also for the whole world (1 John 2:1); in whom all salvation is established by you, as Peter says to the Jews: There is no salvation in any other; nor is there any other name given under heaven to men in which they ought to be saved. He holds the keys of death and hell, who opens the gates of the abyss, and when he closes the doors of darkness, no one hears; when he opens, no one closes; to whom you have given all power in heaven and on earth.

In whose name every knee bends of the celestial, terrestrial, and infernal beings; who is the man of your will; in whose hand is accomplished everything that is pleasing before you. Who, although he is the splendor of glory and the form of your substance, bearing all things by the word of his power, sitting at your right hand, performing the purification of sins, and interceding with you for sinners, who is the beginning and end of the whole universe (Acts 4:11; Rev. 1:18; 3:1; Phil. 2:10; Heb. 1:3).

Because before him no creature existed, and through him every creature began to be, and he himself will be the consummation of every creature, when he has given an end to the world and judgment; since he is the man whom you have prepared to judge the living and the dead, and you yourself judge no one, but you have given all judgment to him; who alone has the power to destroy and to set free, because it pleased you in him; you have exalted him above all heavens, and above every principality, and power, and dominion, giving him glory and honor, establishing him over all the works of your hands, and subjecting the universe beneath his feet; through whom all things in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, are made and founded, by whom all things are contained, in whom they stand; through whom you have founded the earth, made firm the heavens, enclosed the abyss, walled in the sea; because he is your wisdom, and counsel, power, hand, and right hand, co-creating and co-enlivening, co-operating and co-enlivening all things, and those things which are in all things, with the Holy Spirit, who ineffably proceeds from you and from that same son of yours; in whom I from an early age have faithfully believed; to whom I confess that I have sinned, and from whom I beg forgiveness with deep humility of heart.

Lord Jesus Christ, because many are the mercies in your hand, and you do not allow anyone to perish, but wish all to be saved and to come to the knowledge of truth; since by condemning death you do not delight in the destruction of the living; nor do you desire the ruin of man, but his salvation, and for this reason you humbled yourself, though you were God, so that man, who had certainly perished, might be found, you deigned to become man. I have decided that it is timely for me to return to you from my transgressions; receive me in your hands as I return with tears before you; graciously accept the prayers of my confessions, and save the one confessing; do not despise penance, Lord, I repent of having erred, and I now grieve that I long ago foolishly perpetrated the worst deeds; but do not turn your face away from me, because, if you wish, you can cleanse me; for to you belongs the power to kill and to bring to life, to free, to bind and to loose; my soul, bound by the bonds of various crimes, which I have also wounded with the worst wickedness, as you see; save, Lord, now loosen the chains of my neck, by which I have long cried out to you, bound in many ways, and having pity on the laid-bare wound, apply medicine.

You. Restore to me my former health, and let my soul live by the remedy of you. For if you reproach my grievous wound, I do not deny that it is grievous, yet I trust that you can undoubtedly heal it; because I have learned that nothing is difficult, nothing impossible for you, since all things are possible with the Lord, as you yourself declare, when you proved that a camel could pass through the eye of a needle. I have sinned, Lord, I have sinned greatly, and for this reason, as you yourself foresee, my tribulations have been prolonged, tormenting my heart night and day. For it is not a small heap of my fault or sins, hence my many groans and my mind, most sorrowful from the upheaval of great disturbance; but by consideration of your great and innumerable mercies, my struggling to rise little by little from the stain of ruin has directed me, through your piety, to the hope of forgiveness, so that, hesitating in nothing in faith, I may ask for pardon, and not strive but live.

Therefore, turning back to the one who strikes me and has power over my wounds, namely you and my Lord, I bend my knees to you, and with earnest prayer and the skin of confession in the contrition of fasting, I beseech you, giving glory to your name in most frequent praise and blessing. For you taught me this in the solitude of my seclusion. Will you not in this way restore the falls of my ruin? I firmly believe that you will. Therefore, I have hope in confession, in which I am most steadfastly grounded, and I have neither despaired nor will I despair, but I enjoy perfect trust; by which, with wickedness erased and abolished from my heart, I may, after presenting my petition, be revived from every death of crimes through you, and be purified from every filth of sins by means of confession interposed, because you are faithful in your words, and you will not render void what has proceeded from your lips; for your mercies are not exhausted, nor is the confidence of rising cut off in this life for those falling by any chance, since for every kind of sin you have established a return, and you preserve penance as a remedy for the sinner: "I do not," you say, "desire the death of the impious man, until he returns and lives" (Ezekiel 33:11). And again: "If, when I say to the impious man, 'You will die,' and he turns from his impiety, does penance, performs justice, walks in the commandments of life, and so forth, he will live life, and will not die" (Ibid., 14).

And in Jeremiah: "Suddenly I will speak against the people and against the kingdom, to uproot, destroy, and annihilate it; if that people repents of its evil, against which I have spoken, I too will repent of the evil that I planned to do to it" (Jer. 18:7), and so forth. And again: "Behold, I fashion evil against you and devise a thought against you; let each one turn back from his evil way, and direct your ways and your pursuits. Whoever says, 'By no means, we have despaired, we will go after our thoughts, and each of us will do the wickedness of his own evil heart.'" And to Jerusalem, with the prone people clinging to every most abominable crime in an age declining after idols, you say (Jer. 2:23): "See your ways in the valley, know what you have done, a swift course unfolding your ways; a wild ass accustomed in the solitude of its soul has drawn in the wind of its love. No one will turn it away" (See Isidoriana, loc. cit., n. 31).

It is commonly said: If a man dismisses his wife, and she, departing from him, takes another husband, will she ever return to him? Will not that woman be polluted and contaminated? But you have fornicated with many lovers; yet you seek to return to me, says the Lord. Lift your eyes straight ahead, and see where you lie prostrate; you who sat waiting for them, like a bandit in the wilderness, you have polluted the earth with your fornications and your wickednesses; for this reason the drops of rain have been withheld, and the late rain did not come; the face of a harlot has been made yours, you refused to blush. Therefore at least now call me, my father, and you are the guide of my virginity. Will you be angry forever, or will you persist until the end? And again: Return, adversary of Israel, says the Lord, to me, and I will not turn my face away from you, for I am holy, says the Lord, and I will not be angry forever. Turn back, you who are returning, for I am your husband, I will take you back, if you remove your offenses from my face, you will not be shaken (Jeremiah 3:12). But He Himself, through Jeremiah, to the people persisting in crime and not willing to return, still retaining patience, says: Do not withhold the word, if by chance they hear, and each one turns back from his evil way, and I repent that I thought to do to them because of the malice of their pursuits. And in Isaiah He says: I am the one who speaks justice, and I am the champion for saving.

If you return and rest, you will be saved. And again: Return to me, do not forget me, and I will redeem you. I am, I am the very one who blots out your iniquities for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins; for I know that you will transgress again, and I have called the transgressor from the womb; for my name’s sake I will put my wrath far away, and with my praise I will bridle you, lest you perish. xi. And again, to sinners, that they may be cleansed through penance, he says: Wash yourselves, be clean, remove the evil of your thoughts from my eyes; cease to act perversely, learn to do well; and the rest; and if your sins be as Phoenician purple, they will be whitened like snow, and if they be red, like vermilion, they will be as clean wool. And to a transgressing and delinquent people, unwilling to convert, concerning whom you had already said that you would destroy them in your wrath for the enormity of their crimes, in Hosea you say: My heart has turned within me, my repentance is equally troubled within me, I will not act in the fury of my wrath. I will not turn to destroy you, for I am God, and not man, holy in your midst (Hos. 11:8). For if to a people turned away, and not repenting, who, leaving you, had subjected themselves to all abominations, and impurities, and idols, you offered such patience, such mercy, how much more placable could you be over one who has not turned away from you, and who, repenting for his sin, bowed down, entreats you?

Rightly, therefore, another prophet cries out: Turn to the Lord, because He is kind and merciful, patient and of great mercy, and He prevails over malice (Joel 2:13). David, moreover, says: The Lord is compassionate and merciful, patient and very merciful; He has not dealt with us according to our sins, nor will He repay us according to our iniquities (Psalm 102:8). And in Solomon: The Lord has taken pity on the penitent (Sirach 12:3). And again: Because the Lord is pious and merciful, and in time of tribulation He remits the sins of all who seek Him in truth (Sirach 2:15). Hence also, with the testimony of the prophet, the Apostle exhorts, saying: Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts; for we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our infirmities; let us therefore approach with confidence the throne of His glory, that we may obtain mercy and find grace in timely help (Hebrews 4:7). But You, Lord, cry out to those laboring in iniquity and burdened with the weight of sins: Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest (Matthew 11:28). And many other things of this sort, which it would be long to write from all the Scriptures.

Of such great patience, and of such great mercies, therefore, I shall seek the Lord, I shall approach him boldly, follow him willingly, embrace him strongly, hold him humbly, never let him go, entreat him with confidence, in whose compassion and mercy the way of penance lies open to me for a return from death to life, a recourse from hell to heaven, an entrance from darkness to light. This, then, first of all, O Lord, I ask, and so let me pass to the rest: give me the most devoted intention of mind for repenting, which may be acceptable and pleasing before you; give me the compunction of humility, so that my mind may sigh from your affection and groan in its own wound, the hardness of my heart being dissolved. Arouse all the senses of my inmost heart, so that they may cry out to you with the strength of an inner voice, if perchance you hear the one entreating; let the sighs of my breast be stirred, and let a murmuring groan sound in your ears. Loosen the reins of my eyes, and let my eyelids flow with a copious stream from a gushing fountain, so that the atonement for all crimes may be washed away by the force of tears, and let the channels of the veins of my head run without ceasing, until every filth of iniquity is wiped away.

Let my mouth be filled with the words of most true confession, by which you may delight to be merciful and not delay in granting pardon; and may my repentance be fruitful, bringing forth joy from grief, bringing indulgence from need, and bringing rest from labor, so that by the narrow path of prison-like afflictions you may lead me to the entrance of life, and may you cause me to receive the loosening of the chain of iron bonds of sins. Behold, Lord, the time of confession is at hand, and the days of remission are present, in which promised pardon is granted to those who ask; for what more shall I confess to you, and shall I not deny that I am more wicked than all the wicked, whom in comparison to me you will deem just? because no crime of sins, no deed of villainy was lacking, with whose filth I have not defiled myself, with whose contagion I have not been polluted: headlong to lust, shameless to wantonness, frequent to luxury, immodest to fornication, piling crime upon crime daily, I did not cease to add worse things to the worst, harsh in will, depraved in mind, dishonest in morals, polluted in heart, and blasphemous in lips, wrathful and insulting.

Therefore I am confounded and blush now to lift up my eyes, judging myself unworthy to behold the heavenly stars. But do this for the glory of your name, my God. Grant me, confessing to you, pardon for my salvation, and concede the remedy of indulgence, so that, merciful and appeased, you may blot out all the crimes of my sins, and not seek my iniquities, which the slippery, raw, lascivious, vain, and foolish age of my youth and ignorance committed, prone to evil, most sluggish toward good, swift toward death, difficult toward life, to which the works of light are hateful and the works of darkness most beloved, which loves to fall, neglects to rise; salvation is bitter to it, and perdition sweet; loose, Lord, the guilty one bound by inexplicable knots, and, with the snares of crimes broken, let me go free, so that you may save me in your good will, and I may not perish in my malice, nor descend into hell, whence there is no further ascent; for your mercy is more abundant than the abundance of my sins. And you are more benign than I am most wicked. I indeed am malignant and headlong, but you are mild and patient; I am prone and fragile to fall, you are prompt and strong to raise up.

If you look back at my dark deeds, you would judge me immediately about to perish; if you consider my present will and desire, I believe that you will judge to save me, because you have directed my heart in your desires, in which you see my mind serving more ardently, which my soul has sought, and my flesh equally delights. Redeem me, my Lord God, from all my distresses, and may it please you to snatch me from destruction. Call me back from the door of death, and lead me back onto the eternal path, so that I may run on the path of your commandments and walk in your truth. May the cavern of darkness not hold me back, may the abyss's chasm or the caves not enclose me; but open for me, light of light, the entrance to eternal life. Unbar the harbor, because you are God, who receives the tears of a contrite heart and accepts the humiliation of the penitent. For you will not be called merciful toward those who do not sin, but when you have turned the impious and shown mercy to the sinner from evil. I have always fallen into worse, and from bad things I have flowed into worse; but you are a very skilled craftsman, knowing how to shape a useful vessel for yourself from a useless one; for this is your work from the beginning: to make the just from the unjust, and to form the worthy from the unworthy; to raise up again those cast down, and to repair the ancient ruins of those falling; since, as you yourself declare, "It is not the work of a physician for the healthy, but for the sick" (Matt.

(Isaiah 9:12); this also is the reason you descended into this world, that you might save sinners, of whom I am the chief; and if then you wished to save enemies, adversaries, the hostile, and the impious with the pains of your passion, can you now destroy friends who are converted and penitent? Far be it. Truly it delights you to grant pardon to sinners, if they turn back, you who did not refuse to undergo death for sinners. For you would never have ascended the cross for the wicked if you refused to spare the guilty. If you did not deny the unrepentant legion of demons the sought-for flock of tears, how much more readily will you be to grant pardon to a faithful soul who implores you with weeping? Trusting in this, I offer you my prayers and tears of penance; you will save me as you do all others whom it repents to have failed. Will it be barren in my case, or in me alone dry and void the trust and promise of your mercy and pardon, through which all converted nations of the earth are saved? Will your great clemency, which can never be diminished by giving, nor is constrained by any lack, become insufficient in one penitent? Will you restrain yourself in me alone, lest you bestow the fruit of mercy when sought, made barren?

Will you be angry with me forever, because of a sin of a brief time, which, by your providence disposing, I repent of, execrating and abhorring it, since I am a creature from earth and ash, corruptible and mortal, but you are God the creator, incorruptible and immortal? Will you not, hardened in mercy, hear the one worn down and humbled, or will you judge to punish the one confessing to you, or do you think to destroy the one beseeching you? I will not believe it, nor will I suspect that you wish it, because this is impious and contrary to the nature of divine piety. Therefore, suppliant and confident, I entreat your mercy, that you may fulfill my petitions with benevolent will. Incline your ear, Lord, and hear; open your eyes, and see my desolation. See the many afflictions and miseries which, like a wagon of chaff, grind me down, like moths devour wool, like rotten wood consume; and, your fury softening, stay the whip. Now have mercy on me, be appeased, and turn back; spare my soul, spare my sins.

Do not forget me in the end, do not be angry with me forever, do not abandon me utterly, nor leave me to perish eternally, but restore me to your grace, and save me in this place of danger, where my flesh lies bound with iron, struck with blows, exhausted by punishments, worn out by languors, deserted by human care, cut off from companions, shut in with squared stones, in filth and stench given over to just judgment, in darkness and deathly shadows exposed to prolonged miseries. You yourself see all these things, who sit above the cherubim and gaze into the abyss. Already my contrition and my affliction have become old and stale, and there is no one who remembers your mercy, nor anyone who, with a stricken heart, reflects and says: "Now for the Lord's sake I will have mercy on a mortal; to a mortal he has given an eternal prison and perpetual iron." No mercy of deliverance is reserved for me; I am condemned by an irrevocable judgment, because it is not said: "We will return to grant pardon to one who is perishing." Remember, Lord, your mercies toward me, and change this heavy and harsh sentence, for you have said: "You shall not afflict your neighbor forever, for I desire mercy, not sacrifice," and against the impiety by which, though I justly die, you, because you are merciful, yet graciously provide support for life; grant, Lord, propitiously, divine aid where human aid has withdrawn; I am left alone to you alone; and help me, solitary as I am.

Do not be a stranger to me in the days of distress, nor abandon me in the time of tribulation; do not cease to protect and guard me, and do not stop nurturing and sustaining me. Fix your eyes upon me, lest I perish; watch over me and give me life. Be for my soul and my body both the giver of life and life itself, the healer of all my infirmities and health itself, so that I may live by the gift of your beneficence and praise you in my life before my brothers, until, by your inspiration, the indignation of the one who afflicts me is appeased and grows quiet. For you have the power to bend and placate the hearts of princes here in the body, and there to free the soul from future punishments. To you no one will say: "What have you done?" Nor will anyone resist your judgment or oppose your will; nor indeed will anyone then dare to accuse one whom you have now absolved from his faults. But he will be blessed without any contradiction, as it is written: "Blessed are those whose iniquities are forgiven and whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man to whom the Lord has not imputed sin" (Ps. 31:1-2); and the Apostle: "If God is for us, who is against us? God who justifies, who is there to condemn?" (Rom. 8:33). Test me, Lord, test me in the furnace of humiliation, where you examine the unworthy for so long.

I ask only that you not reject the noxious rusts that consume my sins; burn away the foul stains of my crimes, so that from the adulterous mixture of lead you may draw forth the purest and gleaming gold; and hasten to snatch me from this temporal scourge; unlock the excesses of my faults, so that in the future you may have nothing to punish, but rather to bless, I say. Here, Lord God, cleanse me from all my many crimes, here wash away every filth of vices, here loose me from every bond of sins, so that, if you release me while I live, I may depart purified, or if you decree to call me, I may be taken up wholly cleansed. Guide my soul while it is placed in the body, receive it as it leaves the body, and grant that it may cling to you forever, so that the thing commended to you, the Lord God and its creator, through many tears may in no way perish. But if a longer life in the flesh is still preserved for me, let it be composed with the new honor of virtues. Strip me of the foulness of all vices, and clothe me with the dignity of all virtues, implanting and interweaving the seeds of charity and kindness, humility and continence.

Cut away the putrid old growths of desire and avarice, vanity and arrogance, anger and impatience, and of the other wickednesses; circumcise the superfluous, cut off the dishonorable, depress the haughty, prune away the harmful and unfruitful, so that the bitterness of the evil tree, once changed, may generate good juices; may you bring forth sweet fruits after the harshness of troubles, so that what nature did not have before may henceforth offer what has been conferred by grace. Drive from me the occasion of sinning, and in the exercise of good arouse diligence. Again, take away the desire to sin, and shut out all carnal affections. Let there be in my soul no lust of foul desire, but let the love of most beautiful chastity dwell there. Let the ambition of this world be far from me, so that I may not, by its hindrance, turn aside from my holy purpose. May the grace of your fear and love alone always be in me, in the fruit of which I may live again from all mortality of vices. For through fear one withdraws from evil, and through charity good work is accomplished. And again, what charity works, fear guards through love, lest it perish through pride. Likewise, charity hastens, joins to God, and fear does not allow one to be separated from Him. It is holy fear, remaining forever and ever. Let noxious prosperity and friendships of this world not approach me; but temper adversities, so that I may be able to endure them, since prosperity casts down, adversity teaches.

Often prosperity entices the soul to sin, but adversity both restrains from sin and always provokes and persuades one to hate the present life and to desire the future one. Therefore, do not allow me to be further entangled in the affairs of the world, but where I serve you alone, let me always be free; let me incessantly adore you, and sing psalms to you day and night. Drive away from me the bilge of evil thoughts, the dew and inciter of useless desires and of those contrary to good intention, and against all the snares and deceitful deceptions of that one, place the protection of your help and defense, so that, seeing me inflexible in good perseverance, the devil may depart in confusion. Allow me only to weep over all my sins, not to desire them. Make me hate what you hate, embrace what you value. Let my mind obey your commands, and let my will accord with your will, so that nothing base, nothing unjust, nothing dishonest, nothing indecent or impious may cling to the delight of my conscience; but, with your love, let the intention of my mind, panting for justice and piety, achieve its work. Let my work, the world, and my prayer, as you command, be in secret, so that I do not serve for show, as if pleasing men; let me, reminded of your laws and the most honorable deeds of the fathers, be permitted to know them, and grant me to fulfill them when touched. Withdraw me from every snare of sin, and suspend me from the slippery slope of all errors. Always bind me with the reins of your discipline, and hold me most firmly so that I do not fall again.

Drag me after you, and lead me wherever you wish, and do not allow me at all to turn back and go in reverse; let me be anxious in your fear, perfect in your love, steadfast in faith, in no way doubtful in hope, let me burn with love for my neighbor, not be consumed by the fire of hatred, nor waste away with the bitterness of envy. Always inspire me to think of holy work, compel me to do it, urge me to love it, strengthen me to hold it fast, guard me lest I lose it. May pride, the mother and queen of the seven principal vices, not enter nor rest in the dwelling of my heart, nor may its offspring cling to me, that is, gluttony, lust, fornication, avarice, envy, anger, sadness, vainglory. Grant me instead profound humility, by which the height of pride may be bowed down; grant me measured abstinence, by which the excessive gluttony of the belly may be restrained. Grant me chastity, purity of heart, by which unclean lust may be lulled to sleep; grant me a generous will for distributing alms, by which tenacious avarice may be dispelled. Grant me the love of perfect affection, by which the jealousy of envy may be extinguished. Bestow the patience of tolerance, through which conquered anger may fail; grant me the hope of eternal joy, by which the bitterness of sadness may be sweetened; then cause me to glory inwardly in my mind over good works in you, so that the boasting of vainglory may not proceed before me.

Grant also to me to hold justice in all things, magnanimity, temperance; and make me prudent with simplicity, so that I may both live the blessed life sincerely and prudently flee evil; and that the fraudulent and deceptive cunning of the devil may not deceive me by seeming good, so that I may be able both to discern and to foresee rationally; make me after this gentle and benevolent, peaceable and meek, modest and bashful, reverent and timid, fair, and truthful without pretense, and reasonable without deceit, and in harmony with good men, steadfastly vigorous in vigils, fasts, and prayer; grant also to me to have speech moderated in gentleness, and to be given to silence with a friend, so that I may speak what is fitting, be silent when it is not necessary to speak; or whatever from the fruits of the virtues you shall deign to bestow, with boasting mortified, may humility preserve as patron.

Grant to me, without any error of false religion, to keep the faith immaculate for you, and to be a worthy worker according to the faith, so that I may not pollute right faith with a corrupt burden; and that I may not deny by living wickedly the one whom I confess by believing rightly; and that I may not offend by negligent action the one whom I follow with earnest faith. Make me, as I abide in holy purpose, to follow justice, to love mercy, to love truth, to reject falsehood, to meditate or speak nothing false, to fear you unceasingly, to venerate religion, to keep peace with all without deceit, to recall the discordant to concord, to offer unfeigned charity, to scandalize no one, to prefer myself to no one, but to judge myself lower than every lowliest person, in no way to resist princes and powers, to obey them in all things, to show reverence and honor to elders, to offer obedience and charity to equals, to show the grace of timely affection to juniors, to bear fraternal burdens or dangers with equanimity, to venerate a friend as my own soul, to love a parent and neighbor as myself, and to be of benefit to all at once.

not to be a hindrance, to harm no one, to oppose no one, to slander no one, to place no stumbling block for anyone, to judge no one, to detract from no one, to condemn no one, to be injurious to no one, to carp at no one's life, to pry into no one's straight path, to be concerned only about myself, never to repay evil with evil, never to be mindful or vengeful of my own injuries, but to overcome all malice with goodness, to prepare a blessing for one who curses, to suffer adversities, not to inflict them, to love an enemy as a friend, to endure insults and reproaches from the angry, not to repay them, quickly to forget an injury, promptly to forgive one who has offended me, always to be ready to grant pardon, not to covet the goods of others, nor to take them away on any pretext, but mercifully to distribute my own to those who have not, to remit a debt to a debtor, to restore what has been unjustly taken, to return a pledge to the lender, and to retain nothing belonging to another in my possession, then to refresh the hungry, to give drink to the thirsty, to welcome the stranger, to clothe the naked, to visit the sick, to seek out the imprisoned, and...

to comfort the sad, to sympathize with the afflicted and the grieving, to provide necessities to those who have not, to share food and clothing with the needy, to embrace the indigent, to cherish the household, to love the stranger, to ransom the captive, to welcome the newcomer, to protect the ward and the orphan, to support the widow, to assist the oppressed, to offer help to the desolate, to break the bonds of impiety, to leave the broken free, and to break every burden, just as the teachings of your commandments declare, to seek ardently, to read diligently, to treat prudently, to perform swiftly, to fulfill eagerly. Turn away, O Lord, my eyes from vanity, and my transgressions from the paths of injustice. Let not my ears receive reproach against my neighbor; nor, abandoning truth, let them itch to hear tales of vanity or words of falsehood; nor let my tongue itch to detract or to curse the prince, or the priest, or any man in turn. Let it not be scurrilous, nor vain-speaking, nor slanderous, nor deceitful. Let me not deceive my neighbor, speaking well of his way when it may have been evil, but, moved by humble compassion, let me speak the truth in private, so that he may be turned from error, and if he hears, his soul may be saved, and the multitude of my sins (as it is written) may be covered. Let me be swift in hearing, moderate in responding.

Not with knowledge shall I be puffed up, not with arrogance shall I be swollen with pride, but with speech and with good work overflowing, I shall always be humble, that I may rise, not fall; be lifted up, not overthrown; ascend, not descend. May praises not corrupt me, may reproaches not disturb me; may flatteries not deceive me, may lies not delude me; may prosperity not exalt me, may adversity not bend me; may favorable opinion not puff me up, may unfavorable opinion not cast me down; may joy not render me changeable, may sadness not make me unlike myself; but in all things may my life be even, and my countenance constant in one manner.

In health I shall praise, in infirmity I shall give thanks, in correction I shall not resist, under the lash I shall not murmur; I shall not be puffed up by good work, I shall ascribe no good deed to myself, I shall glory in nothing within me, nor shall I be confident; but glory, hope, virtue, praise, and every delight of my soul shall be You Yourself; with my heart I shall believe in You, with praises I shall confess You, my voice shall sound You, my tongue shall ever proclaim You; I shall please You, not myself, and I shall cast Your will, not my own, and my every mind shall meditate on You, delight in You, and my intention shall follow You, so that, denying myself, I shall follow You with my cross, ready to lose my own self for You, that through You I may find that self, so that the furnace of penance may restore to You a new man from useless old age, all the briars of vices having been burned up, and may refashion with utmost force the one going in depravity, so that in this, with errors renounced, the ancient enemy may in the future recognize or find nothing of his own in me. Now therefore, my Lord God, with great exultation I glorify Your holy name, who, persisting, have taught my ignorance, and have softened my hardness through Your chastisers, until, even unwilling, I would hear Your voices crying out to me for so long, and, having turned, I would follow the one proclaiming to me the little chapter of the psalm saying: “With bridle and bit break the jaws of those who do not draw near to You” (Ps. 31:9).

And I, O Lord, have known and understood the sound of your cry, and reproaching me, I turned back, and did penance before you, as this day proves; therefore, for your praise and my consolation, I shall sing to you prophetic words: Chastise me, O Lord, for I have been unruly, like an untamed young bull. For after you confronted me, I did penance; and after you showed me, I struck my thigh, I was confounded, and I blushed, because I endured the disgrace of my youth, and I remembered my God, and I said: I shall confess to the Lord, for he is good, for his mercy is everlasting (Psalm 117:1); for in your mercy my soul revived, and rose from the dead, because you separated me from the sins of my youth, and from my youth you corrected me, and turned me, and I did penance before you. Therefore I have become a man of good hope, because you preserved for me a time of conversion, in which, considering my sins, I was smitten with compunction, and did penance before you. Now joyful, from now on and always I shall render you countless thanks, imploring you with all my innermost being, commending myself to you with total devotion, because, that I might be found, you sought me; that I might return, you compelled me; that I might be beaten, you looked upon me; that I might be crushed, you wrought it; that I, recognizing myself, might weep, you gave to me. Place, O Lord, my tears in your sight, and let my supplication, of a publican and a sinner, reach you in heaven.

Let my confession of the mouth be pleasing to you, and in place of the offerings of gifts, which now I do not offer, I submit to you this groan of my contrite heart as a sacrifice; and accept this act of penance in place of acceptance, if it be denied me, because the action is enjoined by you, not the acceptance demanded. Be, O Lord, my helper and protector for salvation, and may your mercy follow me all the days of my life; and, placed in joyful shadows, protect and refresh me under the shelter of your wings. But when you have brought on the day of summons, behold, O Lord, weeping I say, I, a wretched, trembling, and fearful man, shall enter upon the most bitter, most dark, unknown, and incurable path of death, plunging into deep gloom. Be present, I pray, and come to my aid, and receive into your hands my spirit commended to you, freeing my soul from the mouth of the most savage dragon and from the hand of the most atrocious hell, when you have taken it, and remove me from the midst of the shadow of death; rather, lead me onto the wooded path of light and the most bright region of the living.

Place me, Lord, in the most secure folds of your flocks, and count me, once joined, among your sheep in the governance of the heavenly mansions, where your saints Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, enjoying the pleasantness of light and refreshment, dwell together with the whole multitude of your saints; for you are the good shepherd, who lead and bring back the lost, find and save the found, cherish and heal the ailing; and you are the merciful Lord, who do not confound those hoping in you, do not abandon those seeking you, do not despise those returning to you, but receive them with rejoicing and praise, rejoicing more before your angels over one penitent and converted lamb than over the nine and ninety numbers of the blessed; to whom, with the Father and the Holy Spirit, there is one deity, glory, power, dominion, and authority for ever and ever. Amen.